TBT: The Brutal Truth

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Gawd Damn The Fixer-Man

The man, the myth, the legend:

Look, I been smoking reefer for 35 years. I've never seen anybody overdose (smoke too much weed, fall asleep), wreck a car, or pick a fight after smoking pot. It's much less dangerous and habit-forming than alcohol. It's also good for the economy, the snack food industry in particular, the fact most of the marijuana consumed in this country is grown in this country. Don't they always say, "buy American"?


Fixer says the above in response to an article in San Francisco's The Times-Standard where the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (NORML) gathered in a conference. Comedian and Actor Tommy Chong was present to entertain a crowd of 500 ... and did just that:

”If more people were stoned there would be less violence in the world,” Chong said.

Chong was introduced by NORML Executive Director Allen St. Pierre.

”It was Tom Chong the man that was wrongly sentenced to nine months in jail when everyone else paid a fine,” St. Pierre said. “I'm so proud and happy that Tommy is joining us today.”

Chong took the stage to a standing ovation.

”I would like to thank what's his name,” Chong joked.

He began by talking about his time in prison, saying the rumors about prison are wrong.

”It doesn't hurt,” Chong said. “But it does hurt when the government is doing it to you.”


Personally, my hooter-flaring days were over on April 2nd, 1989 after I took it way too far with LSD and, although I've looked back at those years with a fondness (because they were fun ... provided I didn't get too high from the a gram of hash and sleep the entire buzz off). To this very day, I love the aroma of burning reefer (be it Maui Waui, Thia Stick, Creeper, Dirt Weed, or Red Hair Senseed) that no ammount of commerical incense has been able to really duplicate. However, I no longer love it enough to go back - to risk burning a fatty after all these years. Shit, a roach of homegrown right now would fuck my world all to hell.

And I agree with Fixer that Mary Jane should be legalized. Why? For one, it would indeed create more jobs because McDonalds, Burger King, Wendy's, White Castle, and Taco Bell would have to be open 24 hours a day to accomodiate a nation that allready has the munchies as evidenced by our penchant to balloon like fuckin' dirigibles without even the need for Acapulco Gold. No offense to fat people -- my own 180 pound fat ass has made it clear that once I get false teeth, I'm going to turn into Raziel from The Legacy Of Kain videogame series but the only difference is my bender will be junk food instead of souls.

Secondly, I think one of the major reason why young teens smoke grass anyway is because the very illegality of it is attractive. In other words, they're doing it to get chased on foot by cops and their German Shepherds. Trust me on this - I know. It's basically the same thrill as bungie jumping ... just without the bungie cords and jagged rocks. Hauling ass through the streets, stoned on your fuckin' mind, jumping fences trying to get away from Rosco's snarling yap while the overweight cop tries to give chase and scream "STOP!" behind a mouthfull of Honey Bun = FUN GODDAMNED SHIT!

Might not think that, but it's true in a morbid sense. And if the dog catches up and nails the pot-head, that's just part of the immediate thrill. I mean, there you've got Rosco mauling on the pot-head's arm ... and the pot-head is giggling. He's too fuckin' stoned to feel pain. Rosco could tear the arm completely off and dope-boy just gonna laugh, "Hahaha, stobbit now puppy. Dat shit tickles, may-ahn!" Won't feel it at all. Tomorrow? Different story.

You wanna know what makes it even more fun? Vagabonds, man. Hobos. If you outpace the dogs and cops while running down a dark alley or through a park, tripping over a hobo slows you down. Pisses the hobo off. But slows you down. Gives the flatfoots and mutts precious seconds of catch-up time. If you're smart, you can use that moment in order to practice Streetsmart Hobo Diplomacy. Just help him up, dodge his wild haymakers, and say, "Dude, I'm sorry I tripped over you and made you spill your Ripple. I'll pay you back, bro. Here -- have this half-ounce of pot and $20!!"

Hobo: "HOLD STILL SO I CAN DRILL BOTH-Awww, hawt damn! Bless yer heart, pal ..."

You take off running and, 10 seconds later, you hear the sound of Rosco chewing on the Hobo. Cha-ching. You're home free. Gonna take a while for the cop to catch up to the dog, rescue the screaming hobo, admonish the dog for getting confused for the the sack of oregano you ditched to the bum (because no dope-head is stupid enough to toss a half-OZ of real smoke to anyone for free -- an 8th maybe; 1/2 OZ fuck no), call the paramedics. etc.

But once pot is legalized, what I believe will happen is every single police station, prison yard, and courthouse will be flocked with a sea of pot-heads aged 14-40 for the largest impromptu hash-bash ever in America that'll last about a few days or weeks. Three months, tops. Tons of people armed with nothing but pot, hashpipes, waterbongs, and so many goddamned boomboxes blaring a hodgepodge of Grateful Dead, Nivana, Testament, and Steppenwolf simulataneously, nobody would be able to hear a tornado warning siren. They'll be getting blitzed to high heaven while laughing at the cops, "Hahahah, mahfuckers! *large inhale*... It's all legal now -- you can't chase us no more ... *cough* *hack* *chortle*"

Then the reality of that shit sets in: "Whoa! Like, we don't get chased no more, Duuude. Cops got bigger priorites now that grass is legal. Fuck, without the pigs, man, pot ain't no fun anymore." Within time, boredom and lack of a thrill will force many pot-heads to migrate to stronger, more lethal, more dangerous illegal drugs, leaving pot usage to a small minority of otherwise harmless, law-abiding, tax-paying, hard-working citizens. At least, that's my theory.

Speaking of theories, Tommy Chong weaves a couple political ones that have a lot relevance:

”I know Dick Cheney's Secret Service guys smoke pot,” Chong said. “The reason I know that is I sold them bongs.”

He insinuated that President Bush was on methamphetamines.

”The dangerous thing about tweakers is they can take things apart but they can't put them back together again,” Chong said. “That's what George Bush has done to this country.”


Boy, ain't that the fuckin' truth. Tommy is not only right about there being nothing worse than two coke-heads having dialog, but I'd submit that the second worse thing is having two or more people wigging the fuck out on a lean mixture consisting of caffein, nicotine, anxiety, and Mini-Thins chased down the gullet by a fifth of Johnny Walker. If you see or know people like this, please, for the love of this country - keep them seated on the couch.

If they rise, property damage ensues.

Case one: See Cheney's crony.
Case Two: See George W. Bush.
Case Three: THEY'RE RUNNING THE FUCKING COUNTRY!


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2 comment(s):

Drugs are just bad, you should try to use Herbal Alternatives as a temporary replacement to loose the dependance!

By Anonymous Smoke, at 10:57 PM  

best regards, nice info
» »

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:41 AM  

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