Shit & Shoeleather - A "Schaivo" Diagnosis For Sen. FristAre you a dog lover or owner? If so, then there's a good chance that you've done the same hilarious thing to your dogs that I have done to my own. No, I'm not talking about that time when you cocked a rubber band back, drilled his ballsack, and watched him circle the La-Z-Boy about 18 times yiping his head off (hey, I was a real young kid then and I only did it to see whether or not Chang's sudden yelping around my Dad's chair as he quietly read the newspaper would've startled the old man into swallowing his chewing tobacco juice). Instead, I'm talking about the age old standby of peanut butter. It's hilarious because you feed them peanut butter and they'll sit there working their tongue trying to get it off the roof of their mouth for a good half-hour.
What does that have to do with Bill Frist?
Thanks to the fine guys at Crooks & Liars, I was able to view back-to-back video footage: one of Sen. Harry Reid shutting down the Senate and the other containing Sen. Frist's response to it. It's the latter video that's compelling because I saw Sen. Frist doing the same damn thing my dog does when I feed him peanut butter and, becoming immediately concerned, I wondered if some strange malady had befallen Sen. Frist to behave in such a manner. Could it be a stroke? An anerysm? I didn't know so I -- just like Sen. Frist did for Terri Schaivo many months ago -- decided to make a breakthru medical diagnosis upon Sen. Frist's sudden illness by just watching the video footage over and over.
Here are my findings:
#1 -- I've discovered a direct correlation linking the cause of Sen. Frist's malady to the actions of Sen. Reid. There's evidence that his actions had liquified Sen. Frirst's cerebral cortex, rendering him just as blind and brain dead as the late Terri Schaivo.
#2 -- However, unlike Ms. Schaivo, Sen. Frist still retained the ability to utter certain comprehensible words in between his mewling and whimpering in frustration over whatever it was in his mouth that brought on the symptoms of "Canine & Peanut Butter" syndrome. I've detected words such as "effront" and "slap in the face".
#3 -- Judging on those two findings, it is my belief that the tongue-lolling blob formerly known as Sen. Frist is sporting symtoms of "Canine & Peanut Butter" syndrome due to the liquification of his cerebral cortex -- the liquification itself being caused by the very first thing that entered Sen. Frist's mind the very moment Sen. Reid shut down the senate: his own asshole.
#4 -- Sen. Frist's own asshole obliterated his cerebral cortex because of the sheer force of Sen. Reid's actions. Thus, Sen. Frist's mumbling about "effrontery" and a "slap in the face" only goes to show that, as a result of not having a cerebral cortext any longer, he is having great difficulty trying to distinguish the difference between a slap in the face from a KICK IN THE ASS!
#5 -- The forementioned kick to Sen. Frist's ass was indeed administered by Sen. Reid. Although Sen. Reid's actions do constitute a crime of aggrivated assault however Sen. Reid should not be charged with any crime as Sen. Reid has provided proof that Sen. Frist and the Republican party in general had been instigating such an assault for the past 2 years although I personally believe 5 years is more accurate.
Since I can't find any evidence of peanut butter anywhere near Sen. Frist from the video footage, I then must conclude that -- to the best of my faculties -- the real reason why Sen. Frist is showing behavior consistant with that of "Canine & Peanut Butter" syndrome is that Sen. Frist is tasting something he doesn't like and it's most likely a combination of the flavor of his own shit combined with Sen. Reid's shoeleather. I also conclude that Sen. Reid's kick in Sen. Frist's ass is enough to suggest Sen. Frist will be tasting this shit and shoeleather combination for about the next month or more. Lastly, since Sen. Reid delivered his kick with such authority, the American public is hereby forewarned that the shit/shoeleather flavor currently giving Sen. Frist symptoms of "Canine & Peanut Butter" syndrome is highly contagious but only to other Republicans. In fact, I anticipate an epidemic of ass-kicking from Sen. Reid and other Democrats while Sen. Frist and the Republican "ownership society" is down for the count since those rotten, corrupt, lying, theiving bastards have been doing it to us for a long time so turnabout is indeed fair play (or at least I had better see more ass-kicking from 'em ... or the American people will be the ones giving Reid and the Democrats a good kick in their asses, putting the 2006 and 2008 elections into a "Whose The More Competetant Dog Catcher" context).
That's my Fristian diagnosis of the Insider-Trading Cat Butcher.
Something tells me I'm not alone in making that diagnosis, either.