Ladies, The EULA Is In The Mail
Samuel Alito was sworn in as a Supreme Court justice on Tuesday, surviving one of the narrowest Senate confirmation votes in a century to become the second conservative put on the court by President Bush.
Alito took the constitutional and judicial oaths from Chief Justice John Roberts, Bush's first Supreme Court appointee, in a private ceremony at the court, a spokeswoman said.
Bush appointed Roberts and Alito after promising to select justices in the mold of Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas, the court's two most conservative members. The choice of Alito sparked concern among Democrats and some liberal groups that his former stands against abortion and on other hot-button social issues would push the court to the right.
After weeks of debate, the Senate confirmed Alito, 55, a federal appeals judge since 1990, on a largely party-line vote of 58-42, making him the 110th member of the nation's highest court.
Bush Nominee Alito Sworn In
January 31, 2006
EXECUTIVE UTERUS LICENSE AGREEMENT
Effective immediately, the uterus of all legal and illegal American female citizens become the property of the U.S. Government. This EULA is being sent to all legal and illegal American female citizens ahead of the formalities (e.g. the imminent overturning of Roe V. Wade) to educate you, Ms. ______ on the terms of this agreement. THESE TERMS ARE NON-NEGOTIABLE.
ONE: Your uterus has officially been declared by the office of the Unitary Executive (i.e. President/King of The United States) as a "United States Interest" on the same level as cheap foreign slave labor, oil, and other U.S. interests. Persuiant to the terms of this EULA, your uterus will deliver two (2) children that you'll be required to nuture and raise on your own time and dime for the purpose of replenshing collateral damage to our offensive and defensive miltary structure. You will be required to do this for a period of eighteen (18) years where upon the "First Right Of Refusal" clause of this EULA will be enacted. This clause grants us the power to -- upon the descretion of the United States Government - to claim "eminent domain" upon one of both children where they will be confiscated and undergo intensive mental and physical therepy for whatever role we require within our national offensive and defensive military structure. The U.S. Government is under no legal or moral obligation to reveal what that role might be in specific terms -- it could be fighting a just war or being convenient fodder for the parent company(s) of the United States Government (e.g. The Corportocracy) and their entitlement to the U.S. Treasury.
TWO: Under no circumstances are you place the uterus into direct or indirect harm.
THREE: Under no circumstances are you to apply for (and become approved of) social entitlement programs such as WIC, ADC/Foodstamps, and Medicaid. Persuiant to the orders of this EULA, you are to raise and nuture our interests on your own time and dime. NO HANDOUTS - NO EXCEPTIONS.
FOUR: Under no cirucumstances are you to terminate the incubation of our interests via Perscription/Non-Perscription abortificants or the "back alley" method. In such an event, you'll be charged and convicted of 1st degree murder, and become a ward of the U.S. Government for a period of time per the perogative of the ruling judge. From there, our uterus will become arficially inseminated by a sperm donor of our choice (most likely Jerry Falwell or Pat Robertson but possible Donald Rumsfeld) and you will be under 24-hour, round the clock supervision shackled to a wall.
FIVE: In the event of an unfortunate malady that leaves you unable to provide future war-time investiments (e.g. in case you're as barren as Ken Mehlman's heterosexual sex life), the terms of this EULA shall be null and void except for direct property rights allready declared. In other words, if you're a poor, trailer-park peice of trash making less than $60,000 a year with endometriosis, we don't want to know about you ... but we still own your skanky uterus.
SIX: In the event ... aww fuck it.
Bottom Line: Just because we own your uterus does not imply we're responsible for it. Whose your daddy now, bitches?!? Get your preggo ass the fuck back in the kitchen and make us a sammich ...