Praise Jesus ... And Fuck The ChristiansThou Art A Bunch Of Dumb Fucks:
The Young Conservatives of Texas - University of Texas Chapter announced today that they will be displaying an “ACLU Nativity Scene” on the West Mall of the University of Texas campus on Monday and Tuesday, December 4th and 5th. The group’s intent is to raise awareness on the extremity of the ACLU, and bring to light its secular-progressive efforts to remove Christmas from the public sphere. The display, the first of its kind in the nation, will feature characters that are quite a bit different than the standard crèche.
“We’ve got Gary and Joseph instead of Mary and Joseph in order to symbolize ACLU support for homosexual marriage, and of course there isn’t a Jesus in the manger,” said Chairman Tony McDonald. “The three Wise Men are Lenin, Marx, and Stalin because the founders of the ACLU were strident supporters of Soviet style Communism. The whole scene is a tongue-in-cheek way of showing the many ways that the ACLU and the far left are out of touch with the values of mainstream America.”
The scene will also display a terrorist shepherd and an angel in the form of Nancy Pelosi.
“The ACLU and other left-wing extremist groups are working diligently to destroy American’s rights to the free expression of religion,” said Executive Director Joseph Wyly. “We’ve already seen in Chicago an attempt to censor the nativity by a city government this week. It’s just more evidence that there is a War on Christmas being waged by the far-left in this country.”
Ulp ... shit ... oh no. I'm starting to perspire here. Rather profusely, too. Blood pressure is shooting up. The telltale vein is protruding from my forehead. Awww, shucks. That can only mean one th-YEEEESSSSSSS-AH!! I HATH BEEN EMBUED WITH THE FIRE OF THE LAWD! PAH-RAYZE THE LAWD FOR BROTHER SY!!
You see, the first person to not only advocate but COMMAMD all the brothers and sistren of the fallen and risen Lawd to not go out in the streets and synogogues "to be seen by the eyes of men like the hypocrites do" was THE LAWD JEBUS KAH-REIST HISSELF-AH. Instead, the good Lawd COMMANDED all His earthly brethen and deciples to "go into your closet". Notice that, my bothers and sisters, because it's VITAL -- not only the eternal salvation of your SOUL but for the eternal salvation of YOUR FUCKIN' BRAIN-PAN! Jesus COMMANDED, "go into your closet"; not your courthouse, public school, your shopping mall, or your AM Radio.
Ya see, my brothers and sisters? Jesus COMMANDED "go into your closet" over 2000 years ago -- LONG BEFORE THE LIBERAL AMERICA-HATIN' 83 YEAR OLD ACLU WAS BUT A FAR DISTANT FESTERING BOIL ON PAT ROBERTSON'S ASS, can I get a widness?!? Can Brother Sy get an "Amen"?!? Awww, I hears ya breathin' out there in the cheap seats, but I don't hears ya speakin'. Holla to the Lawd if you hear me!
And while I still got the Fire of The Lawd's Holy Spirit coursing through my wretched, stagnant, Socialistic carcass, I gotta say that Jesus rode into Jeresalem on a JACKASS, brothers and sisters. That's right, true believers! Jesus rode a JACKASS; not a fully loaded Lexus, not an SUV, not Republican elephant -- A JACKASS! And, my faithful brethren and sistren, our good Lawd Jesus Christ's views on money and charity are much closer to KARL MARX than they are of Karl Rove, can I get a "Hallelujah"?!?
Therefore, Brother Sy's religious consistant opinion and holy decree -- with logic, common sense, critical analysis, and THE HOLY SPIRIT OF DAH LAWD -- that these dumbass Texas Christian Young Republican cretins are erecting this infernal "ACLU Nativity" scene to benefit not the Lawd, but their sorry worthless hypocritcal selves and their ridiculous Taliborn Again agenda. They want this bogus nativity scene to take attention away from Jesus's 2000 year old Closet Commandment in exchange for an evil crusade against everything honest, true, and has the slightest mediocum of goddamned sense.
Their infernal agenda is more about "Wookit me beez Kwistjun! Wookit me beez pwayin' out in pubwick!" in a licentious and sinful crusade to filch us true believers of our eternal souls and brain-pans, not to mention our votes and our money for they are worshippers and lovers of themselves (along with Mammon the false Balaam of Capitalism and the root of all evil, FOX NEWS, and the AM Radio) than they are worshippers and lovers of the fallen and risen, jackass ridin', closet commandin' KAH-REIST-AH!
*wipes sweat off noggin with hankey*
Brother Sy has a new Commandment to deliver to the Taliborn Again from off the beaten mountain of the Heavenly Father. Yes, it's a Commandment they'll fuckin' break constantly right alongside the rest of them but DAMMIT, JEEEESUS HATH SPOKEN TO BROTHER SY commanding my vile heathen carcass and slippery, sarcastic, liberal hippie, 'Murika-hatin' VOICE-BOX to impart the new wisdom of JEEESUS-AH! via a new Commandment from above.
Brethren and Sistren, the new Commandment is: THY SHALT GROW THE FUCK UP!
The Lawd has given Brother Sy some interesting insight about the world we live in, folks. Yes, a world where bloated, gluttonous, American 20th century Christians have bullshitted themselves into believing there's a War on Christmas, evidenced by the need to correct all those Satanic, minimum wage Wal-Mart register biscuits that dare utter the "Happy Holidays" curse upon thee. Oh, dears yes.
But suppose, brothers and sisters, that out there tonight is a Satanic, minimum wage Wal-Mart register biscuit that's also a devoted reader of Brother Sy and follower of the Lawd?!? Suppose that poor underpaid disciple of Gawd needs Brother Sy to impart with thee some advice on how to deal with being falsely attributed to waging a War on Christmas all for uttering the unspeakable "Happy Holidays" upon the sloven materialistic masses that file through their register aisles?
Don't suppose about it, folks, for Bother Sy has heard your plight, and, after a monalithic 6 hour fasting of Taco Bell (yes, the Holy Spirit told Brother Sy to avoid his beloved green onions, can I get a 'FUCK!'-erm, I mean, can I get an 'AMEN'?) has taken it up with the Lawd on your behalf. After the Lawd and I smoked some Meth and got a rubdown from a gay cherub, Brother Sy recieved the enlightenment that you poor lazy shiftless Welfare leachin' Wal-Mart clerks need to defend yourself.
The Lawd has instructed me to tell you when a shopper goes batshit insane on you, you shall sayeth the following:
With all do respect, 1st century Christians suffered a hell of lot worse persecutions and tribulations than being told "Happy Howidaaaayz", so here's your reciept, Merry Christmas, and ...
... GROW THY FUCK UP IN DA NAME OF JEEEBUS-AH!!
*wipes forehead again*
And now Brother Sy must depart for another day for the Lawd hath spoken to me again while wiping my forehead, commanding me - and only me - as He always does when I've either said just enough or too much: THOU SHALT SHUT THY CAKEHOLE!
I shall oblige, Lawd ...
Can I get one final "Amen" before the fire leaves me tonight?!?
Ahh, Gobbless ya! Gobbless ya alls!
Thoink you an' G'noit!!