TBT: The Brutal Truth

Since I have no webcam, you never really know what my happy ol' pockmarked ass could be doing here when my fingers get all motivated over this keyboard. You don't know if I'm half-clothed, fully-clothed, or as buck fuckin' naked as a shaved shit house rat with a pituitary gland disorder. Some hotty could be giving me a nice hand job, blow job, knob job, bob job, or rim job. My ballsack could be either cupped by a confortable pair of boxers, briefs, resting innocently against the cushion of the computer chair or an ample female breast, or being lovingly caressed by the forementioned hotty with the "go-get-'em" work ethic. I just might be getting more pussy than your lesbian sister. Then again, maybe I'm getting more pussy than you, my dear lebian readers. But you lebsians could also be getting more action than my sorry ass in a penal prison with shitload of pardons in one fist and a box of condoms in the other.

It's possible that I'm in the middle of banging some hot petite little red head until her freckles fly off. Or she could be banging me until my teeth rattle out of my skull, my spinal collumn decalifies, and/or my testicles implode ... then her freckles fly off. My Johnson could be bigger than yours or your purple helmut warrior could be Goliath to my David. Maybe -- just maybe -- I'm not really typing this at all ... but instead have procured the services of a family member (or the next hoe I'll be doing shortly) to give you all this information while my white, narrow, bubblicious hiney is bouncing up and down on the previous mentioned petite redhead. She could be clawing my back, I could be nibbling on her jugular, or maybe I'm just sitting here all by lonesome hammering on a bottle of Grey Goose looking for an elusive file on my harddrive somewhere but got sidetracked into wallowing in my pornstash, and my imagination just went north from there.

Could. Maybe. Possible. Might. You never know.

But you might not even care. That's possible, too. You might be sitting there reading this and saying, "You go, Sy! Get you some of that prime, choice, succulent ass," or "I didn't come here to read this shit," as your mouse hovers over the BACK button of your browser, or you could be saying, "Too bad you (or your hotties) aren't here right now, blogger-boy, because I've got more kinks than a White House Press release that I wouldn't mind showing to you (or your hotties), motherfucker!"

Or you might be just plain indifferent to it all. You could simply be just as content with your own crotch and have no emotional stake in mine whatsoever. That's probably the case, right? I'm not engaging in all of that though -- just sitting here running my big fat e-mouth. Because I feel like it.

But to somebody else, they could be pissed about the idea. Totally fuckin' unglued that I could be getting off myself or helping someone else get off. Completely batshit livid that maybe my dick is getting pampered or I'm pampering some serious boobage or clit. Getting all fuckin' hot and bothered at the mere possibility that I'm having just a big orgiastic time here at my keyboard and they're not.

Who might those jealous fuckers be?

The True-Believers of the Dept. Of Homeland Security:

Two uniformed men strolled into the main room of the Little Falls library in Bethesda one day last week and demanded the attention of all patrons using the computers. Then they made their announcement: The viewing of Internet pornography was forbidden.

The men looked stern and wore baseball caps emblazoned with the words "Homeland Security." The bizarre scene unfolded Feb. 9, leaving some residents confused and forcing county officials to explain how employees assigned to protect county buildings against terrorists came to see it as their job to police the viewing of pornography.

That's right, kiddies. Somebody out there somewhere has a JPEG image of a monalithic phallus and the Bush-Lord's Christian Republican Guard are just as intimidated by that the JPEG as they are of the real fuckin' package it belongs to:

Romer said the officers believed they were enforcing the county's sexual harassment policy but "overstepped their authority" and had to be reminded that Montgomery "supports the rights of patrons to view the materials of their choice."

Oooh, somebody check on Pat Robertson - his nipples will be getting hard from that.

The next few paragraphs will make Jerry Falwell's balls start sweating from something other than his fat blubber:

The sexual harassment policy forbids the "display of offensive or obscene printed or visual material." But in a library, which is both a public arena and a county workplace, the U.S. Constitution trumps Montgomery's rules.

At most public libraries in the Washington area, an adult can view pornography on a library computer more or less unfettered. Montgomery asks customers to be considerate of others when viewing Web sites. If others are put off, librarians will provide the viewer of the offending material with a "privacy screen."

Dr. James Kennedy: "Well, fuck me running like Freddie Mercury in a wet pair of leotards, it's the Constitution again. When is that sonofabitchin' President we rigged two elections for going to get around to scrapping that worthless, Godless, peice of damned paper?!? He better getting his Jesus-loving ass on the ball here or I make sure he and his Texas ranch burn forever in the pits of HAAAALE!"

Fairfax County forbids library use of the Internet to view child pornography ...

Pope Palpitine: "FUCK ... erm, I mean, thank blessed Mary for that."

But Fairfax library spokeswoman Lois Kirkpatrick said, "Librarians are not legally empowered to determine obscenity."

Pope Palpitine: "Oh, that sucks because I ... I likes ... naked boys ... especially blondheaded ... FUCK!"

Still, Montgomery plans to train its homeland security officers "so they fully understand library policy and its consistency with residents' First Amendment rights under the U.S. Constitution," Romer said in his statement.

I know -- I said I'd never link to the WaPo again but I couldn't resist and it's mainly because of that last paragraph. Nevermind the fact that a bunch of Fundy Fristian Feds got their scrotums all wrinkled by the idea that D.C. library patrons can consume porn from a public terminal and damn near went all Roland of Gilead on somebody because of it, but the final paragraph is the most omnious motherfucker I've read in a long time: federal agents having to undergo fuckin' training to fully understand our 1st Amendment rights?!? Holy Sacrement Wafers, Batman!

I've got the perfect training for these assholes -- strip them of all academic credentials such as any college degrees, High School diplomas, or GEDs, and then re-enroll their asses back into goddamned grade school. Afterall, 3rd Grade was enough training for most of us and their special need for more training tells me they apparently failed and should've been flunked or held back. So, yeah, let's have Uncle Sam give them a fuckin' Hello Kitty lunchbox, a peck on the check, and a kick in ass out the door.

Perhaps Preznit Georgie-poo can join them?

(Hat Tip: AmericaBlog)