TBT: The Brutal Truth

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Daddy's Valentine & Savior

Gwendolyn Marit Sizemore (Age 5)
Born Valentine's Day Morning 2001


Before you came along, Valentine's Day was a day I, your father, loathed with every fiber of my being. I loathed that day because it never agreed with me. Because of my shyness and bashfulness (which you've inherited from me and I hope it doesn't create nowhere near as many problems for you as it did me), Valentine's Day was a day that I usually spent walking home in the dark alone with nothing but my tears and passing cars as my company. A day where instead of being with a female companion, I returned to my 4 walled prison.

You see, it's not the fact I didn't love anyone. Quite the opposite -- I loved plenty and Valentine's Day is supposed to be a day where I was supposed to be victorious of my shyness; my bashfulness and confess my feelings to whatever lady I had a crush on at the time when, on any other day, my track record suggests that I'd never do so. My friends thought that I feared rejection.

They were wrong -- I feared acceptance.

Rejection is the easy part because, despite the fact that knowing the truth too late and watching the girl I had my eyes on depart hand-in-hand with another man, the familiarity of walking the 7 mile trip home alone crying all the way was something that I had grown used to. That and my 4 walls at home was the devil I always knew and, for some strange reason, the more it happened, the less I feared it and instead came to not only expect it, but sort of cherish it. Embrace it.

Acceptance, on the other hand, was the devil I never knew. The idea that I could be so lucky as to being readily accepted by a lady who not only shared my feelings but was so patient that she hadn't bailed on me because my shyness and bashfulness made getting own ass in gear so debilitating was simply something I could not fathom. I couldn't fathom it because it never happened and I was convinced that it never would. In fact, only one lady in my life has ever accepted me but a combination of her parent's issue with our age difference and my own fatalistic pipe-dreaming destroyed it.

"No! Never happen to me! My love is a curse; a fucking poison."

But then you came on a Valentine's Day ...

And to think: I wasted alot of tears over women less worthy.

Haha, they aren't event remotely in your league!


I tried to build a wall,
And let nobody in
Without love and without pain
Don't know why but every time
I look in your face,
I am caught and I relapse again ...

Carry on and I will forever
Longing drives bad memories away
And still I ...
Carry on and I will forever
When I see you smile
I dare to believe again ...



2 comment(s):

Nice site. Your little girl's adorable.

By Blogger Gordon, at 2:18 PM  

Thank you, Gord. Being adorable is her ultimate deception, though, I can assure you. She can be a pistol and on those days, I lament for a split second on not keeping the stork instead. :-)

By Blogger Sizemore, at 11:40 PM  

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